The Devil wears a Golden Hairband.

It's friday morning. I went to work yesterday and in a little while I have to go to work again. Last night a man danced a bit extravagantly and smashed his face up, and there was blood everywhere. All over the floor, all over the poor lady he danced into, all over the sink. Then a man with the whitest teeth I've ever experienced came in, and cleaned him up. I'm fully expecting to see white-teeth-man at Pride tomorrow night, if you know what I mean. We're going to Pride tomorrow night. It's our friend's birthday, so we have to. It will be mad. Anyway, Pride is another thing. Today I want to tell you about the zoo.

On Wednesday, Ray, Cheesy and I went to Marwell Zoo. Cheesy is my smallest brother, he is great and I love him. Ray stayed over on Tuesday night, and on Wednesday morning at 8am (!) I woke her up with a cup of tea and we sat and watched the final episode of Gilmore Girls together. It was the definition of emotional. I cried like a baby, and I'm still not over it. Then we had breakfast with my Vati, who makes the best eggs ever, and then, eventually, after dropping Seth off at work, we were on our way to Marwell. Straight down the M27, in case you're interested. We had to stop on the way to pump my tires up and buy 'caffeine in many forms'. Then we had to stop again because the car had developed a worrying slant.

It turns out that after the exit off the M27 (is 'exit off' a tautology? Ray will know) there is a much longer drive than you're expecting. It says it's only 8 miles, but it's really far longer than that. You could literally Lose Yourself (that's a joke specifically for Eminem fans) on the way. But we found it, and we parked in a mad car park without an entrance, and we went to the zoo.

The thing about Marwell is, it doesnt have lions or elephants. Thus making it a slightly disappointing zoo. It does however have a fine collection of penguins with a nice underwater viewing bit, and a nice lot of monkeys. Specifically Golden Lion Tamarin Monkeys, which are my absolute fave. When I was little I had a book about a dog who saved some Golden Lion Tamarin Monkeys, and I loved it. We saw some playing with each other in a cute way. Marwell's crowning feature is the fact that it has a Snow Leopard. Snow leopards are incredibly rare, there are only 5,000 left in the world or something ridiculous like that. It makes me sad, because they are very pretty. It was raining, so not unlike their domestic cousins, all the cats were sleeping. As well as the snow leopard, we saw regular leopards, and tigers. Fuck me tigers are huge. One paw is about the size of my face. It'd kill ya without even trying. Amazing. I enjoy cats, they're just so chilled out. Chillaxin' and maxin' and shootin' some B-ball, if anything.

The bat enclosure was terrifying, because it was very dark and very full of bats. All flapping around a bit too close to comfort. There was a bat in my living room once, when Mel and I were watching Britain's Got Talent. We screamed and ran away, and I threw some cats at it. Not very friendly, but they chased it outside. Also Ray and I encountered a maybug in my room on Tuesday and nearly had simultaneous heart attacks.

Cheesy's favourite bit about the zoo was the rhinos. The horn of a rhino is made entirely out of hair, did you know that? The rhinos were very big, which is an understatement of the highest order. Ray enjoyed the giraffes most, although they smelled a bit funky. There was a baby one which was exciting. I think being a giraffe might be rather fun. You could look down on things and say 'ahhaha, in your face small thing, I beat you all in the tallness game' and that would be good because as we all know, the tallness game is a very important one. Ray is the average height of a British man (5"9) and I am the average height of a small bear (5"4). Cheesy is not the average height of anything. He is practically giant man, although he isnt as tall as Seth (my other brother) and Seth isnt as tall as Mattmatt (my tallest cousin) who is 6"7 or something mad. He plays basketball.

The zoo website (http://www.marwell.org.uk/) recommends 4-5 hours for your visit. We did it in 3. It was raining, Ray's ankle was giving her gip and I was wearing flipflops. We bought a present for Mel (I cant tell you what it is, because I havent given it to her yet) and also a post card for Kay. And some truly disgusting tea which isnt even worth mentioning, and then we went home.

I say 'went home', what we actually did is become totally aspated by attempting to cut off the extraordinary amount of driving necessary to get back to the M27, and somehow ended up on the M3. Charging towards the M25, which we arrived on in rush hour. It took us just over an hour to get to the zoo, and it took us nearly 3 hours to get home. The moral of this story, kids, is never try to cheat the system.

Pop it Lock it Polka Dot it

Exercise! A great thing! But, hellish and boring and totally, totally exhausting. The gym poses a problem for the everyday singleton - it's a place to meet attractive men, but also a place to be seen by attractive men looking bright purple and sweating like a pig on heat. This is why I do not attend the gym.

What I do enjoy however, is dancing. I dont mean club-type dancing which I really really hate, but dance routines. And a place I am unlikely to bump into attractive men, is my living room. Actually my brothers do have some quite attractive friends, but my brothers are never in. This is why today, Ray and I did some dancing.

Predictably, it began with a film. Footloose. Kevin Bacon liberates small town America with his big city attitude and funny little car. All pretty basic - town council has banned music and dancing, Kevin rebels against the system and takes the youth of the town with him. Eventually the town council relents and the youth celebrate with a Senior Prom, at which they have a bit of a dance-off and you suspect they've all been secretly practicing for this moment their entire lives. Kevin gets the girl and they boogie the night away. Sarah Jessica Parker is in it also and (one for the game) the man who plays the baddie in Beethoven 2nd.

Anywho, the point is that this film got us dancing. Everyone knows the classics, you know, the Macarena and Saturday Night and 5,6,7,8, and that's fine. But better, is the Hoedown Throwdown from the Hannah Montana Movie. Excellent.

Pop it lock it polka dot it

Countrify and hip hop it

Put your hawk in the sky, move side to side

Jump to the left, stick it, glide.

Zig zag across the floor, shuffle in diagonal

When the drum hits, hands on your hips, one footed 180 twist.

Zig zag, step slide, lean it left, clap (three times)

Shake it out head to toe, throw it all together that's how we roll.

After a lot of practice, using a YouTube video specially designed for the learning of this dance (which was already on my Favourites, I'm sorry to say) we threw it all together. That's how we roll. It's not quite right yet, but we have 3 weeks to perfect it before we plan to reveal it at Ray's 21st birthday party. We also plan to learn the dance from the end of High School Musical, Soulja Boy and maybe a bit of improvised Audrey Hepburn style movement as well. Think Funny Face, but probably much less elegant.

Ray has the dentist tomorrow. As does my dad, because today one of his teeth broke in half while he was eating pate.

My Poor Rusalka...

Ladies and gentlemen, I love the Opera. There, I said it. It's heaven. It's not broadway musical all singing all dancing heaven, but it's a kind of heaven and I love it. And now, having been to the Opera yesterday courtesy of my friend Mel (Mel knows everyone - seriously, test her) I am sure that wig making is the way forward. The wig department at the Glyndebourne is amazing, it's all shiny and bright and full of nice ladies measuring people's heads and suchlike things. It's a funny sort of thing to want to do, but I want to do it and if anything I have to do something so this will do. I'm going to ring Babs after Gilmore Girls. Babs, Barbara, is the woman who runs the wig making school that I want to attend. I only call her Babs in my head.

I went to the Opera with my mother, Slez, so it technically doesnt count as a Jess and Ray's, but it's changed my life so I'm talking about it. And it was free, but it wouldnt have been if Mel didnt have connections. She used to work in a bike shop so she knows everyone who has ever ridden a motorbike, and Clive, the props man, rides a motorbike. We had to go in Slez's car, because mine isnt posh enough and they wouldnt let us in in it.

After I've rang (is it rang or rung? The classic Pocket Craig debate) Babs, I'm going to ring Ray and see if we can organise an Interesting Thing. It's sunny today, but also it's freezing so that's a shame. This weekend, while I was working working working, serving mean people food and drinks and generally wishing I had a grown up's job instead of the job of a 15 year old girl, Ray was graduating. Ray is a graduate now, for the rest of her life and I am very proud of her.

I'll be your wing mirror...

Well, lets be honest, the car boot sale was a bust. First we went to one in Chichester and it was over, so not to be discouraged, we went to another one in Arundel. This one was also over. It was all a bit confusing really, because according to carbootjunction.com, they both occur every thursday and every saturday. Still, apparently not so that's fine.

I wasnt having the best morning of my life so far as it was, because sadly I had been caught by Craig Johnston singing Adam Rickett songs to the woman on reception at the doctors surgery. It's long story, and it ends with the simple fact that the NHS is terrible and not worth it. If my life was a film, Craig Johnston would have said 'haha, you're fun, fancy a cup of coffee?' and if my life was a film I would probably fancy Craig Johnston, so I would have said 'yeah that sounds good' and off we would go. Of course if my life was a film, I wouldnt have been singing Adam Rickett songs to the woman on reception at the doctors surgery, I would have been singing something sexy and seductive at some crap kareoke bar after too much tequila. A girl can dream...

Anyway back to the 'Interesting Ways' element of my ramblings. After our failed advancement into the world of the second hand, Ray and I went into Arundel proper, meaning to have a look around the castle except when we got there we realised it was going to cost £17 which is absurd. We're going to go back on the day when Arundel Castle, check this out, turns into a Medieval haven of... JOUSTING! Jousting ladies and gentlemen. Have you seen A Knight's Tale? It's going to be amazing!

But jousting is another day's activity. Back to today. Today, after discovering that history is a rip-off, we wandered around a craft fair, quite inexplicably. Lots of terrifying dolls and hand-made soap and little china bells that say 'Arundel' on them. Neither of us bought anything and the smell made me feel more than a bit off, so we left and walked down the river for a little while. We met a lady who thought her dog had drowned, and we said 'your dog has not drowned, lady, it is right behind us' and lo! there behind us was the lady's dog, so that was a good moment.

After a refreshing cup of tea (which didnt make Ray too hot) and some cake at the Riverside Cafe, where we watched a boat tour break down and some men shout at each other, we went on a boat ourselves. Our boat didnt have a motor. Our boat was called Gracie, and for £3 for half an hour, all three of us bobbed around Swanbourne lake looking at the ducks and things. I say 'bobbed', but actually I rowed. I am a surprisingly good rower and I do enjoy the things I'm good at! Ray isnt such a good rower, but she did have a little go. We saw some terrifying birds, and a lost baby moorhen, and a swan or two, and a bag, and a lot of small French children who seemed to have a magnetic attraction to poor Gracie. The small French children were being chaperoned by an enormous French man, who kept shouting out across the lake at them. I usually let the funky music do the talking, and our half hour was up anyway so we clambered out of the water and gave Gracie back to the man.

Tonight we watched the second Princess Diaries film, A Cinderella Story and Runaway Bride. Tomorrow Ray graduates, and I have to go to work.

Peace out.

Keep It Simple

Tonight, Ray and I watched movies. Movie Night is, as a concept not very original, and I suspect it barely registers on the 'interesting scale', but the classics are classics for a reason. Talking of classics, I plan to read Jane Eyre at some point soon, and Little Women, and some Dickens and maybe a bit more Bronte. Obviously not until I have finished After the Break, by GMTV's Penny Smith.

Ray and I watch a lot of movies. We only watch the good ones though, so as much as I dont want to preach, these are worth watching. Two days ago we watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Dead Poets Society and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, and tonight we watched Ella Enchanted, Ice Princess and The Princess Diaries. I cried at Dead Poets Society (understandable, if not mandatory) but that's not saying much because I also cried at Ice Princess. And One Tree Hill, frequently. You probably havent seen Ice Princess. It is about a girl who uses physics to become extraordinarily good at ice skating, and it stars Buffy the Vampire Slayer's little sister, who was also in 17 Again, and Samantha from Sex and the City, as well as the legendary Joan Cusack. I adore Joan Cusack, but I cant really explain why. I was ill one day, and as I went to bed I realised that every film I'd watched that day had Joan Cusack in it. It was a surprising realisation.

That's the best part of Movie Night - the 'what else has she been in' game. I won tonight because I spotted that the evil man in Ella Enchanted is also in The Princess Bride. You know, the blonde one with the mask. Ray didnt believe me, so if anything it was a great moment. Also it may seem that tonight was quite Anne Hathaway based, but that's fine. Anne Hathaway is a beautiful and talented woman, although at the moment (think Bride Wars) she is a bit too thin. Having said that, I'd love someone to tell me I was too thin. It would mean I could eat a whole tube of Pringles and not feel guilty, but there we are. The other day I ate a whole packet of bread sticks. I did not feel good about it. As usual, I am supposed to be on a diet.

Furthermore (my English teachers were always pushing words like 'furthermore' onto us. My English teachers all hated me, which is a shame) sitting around all night in your pyjamas is not only free but also allows, nay necessitates unlimited cups of tea. And tea, as we all know, is truly excellent. Except in America, where it is truly mad.

Luckily, Charlie Carter did not walk in when we were being graceful ice skaters around the living room. Hopefully he will not walk in when we attempt to learn the dance from Funny Face, or when I show off my Hannah Montana-esq moves to the Hoedown Showdown.

That is all.

Tomorrow, we plan to go to a car boot sale. We'll see.

Jess and Ray's Interesting Ways to Spend the Lazy Summer Days

Picture the scene. It is technically summer, although there hasn't actually been a lot of sun, and you are in the prime of your life. Apparently. You are in the middle of what is to become one of the longest 'gap year' periods ever known, having been to university and dropped out of university twice in the last two years. Your best friend, a rather more motivated learner, has just graduated with a degree in English Literature and Human Rights, and you've both been told by countless people that the world is your oyster.

For both of you, this could be your last summer of freedom before you have to grow up, think maybe about getting some sort of serious job and join the real world, although in your case probably not. In the immortal words of Homer Simpson 'oh yeah? What are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?'

Well, actually what we're gonna do, is find things to do. Interesting, local ways to fill our time during the week, funded by a) my slightly pathetic saturday job and b) the remainder of Ray's student loan. Ray spent her last semester at home with a broken ankle, and therefore (check out the silver lining) didnt spend any money.

To paraphrase a popular S Club 7 song, imagination is the key. The key to your own destiny.

Welcome to Jess and Ray's Interesting Ways to Spend the Lazy Summer Days.