Since I was about 7 (OK so not quite the beginning) I have had an irrational fear of the illiteration name game. I dont really know how it started, but it terrifies me. You've definitely all played the illiteration name game, you have to say your name with an adjective that describes you, that starts with the same letter - Ravishing Rachel, Marvelous Melanie, that sort of thing. Rachel's and Melanie's have no problem with the game! But Jamie's probably do, because there are no flattering adjectives that start with J. None.
So it's our first night, we arrived just as dinner was being served (salad with stilton sauce, dont ask) and after dinner, Sarah, who is the course leader and has had 3 number 1 dance hits in the UK, invited us all into the singing room for a quick introductory session. She made us stand in a circle, and say our names to the group which was easy - I know my own name! But then she asked us to play the illiteraton name game. I couldnt think of anything, except for Jumping, and i wasnt going to say Jumping. But as I was about half way round the circle I had time to think, and I decided I'd say Jealous. I'm not jealous, at all actually, but it's pretty much my only option. Then the lady next to me said Jealous Jeanette. I, er, well, you see, this is what happened. God it's so embarrassing, but I need you to know what I was up against all weekend, because you are my ever supportive friends and you understand and adore me. No citation needed.
I looked at my cousin Megan, and I looked at the group, and the group looked at me in an expectant kind of way, and I looked at the group, and I looked at Sarah, and I looked at Megan, and I said 'er, ja, ja, ja...ma...can?' Jamaican. That is what I came up with. The only adjective starting with J that I could think of on the spot was Jamaican. Jamaican Jess. The group laughed, which was lucky because they could have not laughed, which would have been much worse, and I was Jamaican Jess for the rest of the weekend. A few people down the line, a lady called Jo said Joyful. I thought that I would hate Jo, but actually I liked her very much and now we are friends.
I'll just quickly introduce you to a few others.
Joyful Jo was there as a birthday present from her friend Kinky Katie.
Sparkling Sophie was totally mad, but I totally loved her. She asked if she could marry me, to which I said I supposed she could, and then she said 'great! We'll take the muppets on tour!' and I said 'Yes! Wait, what?' and she laughed.
Plausible Pat was not an interesting woman, but she did wear the Ann Summers nursing uniform as a dress on the second day. Plausible Pat was, I would guess, late 50's.
Spontaneous Steve. God I hated Steve. We were asked why we were there, and I'd said 'well, because my mum brought me' which everyone laughed at again - I'm so pleased to be such a source of amusement to strangers. Steve said 'I had a dream...' I thought 'oh no Steve, there's no coming back from this' '... I dreamed I was singing, on an Island, with lots of people.' You see that I was right about Steve. Fucking knob.
Ambidextrous Andrew was a suprising sort of man. He reminded me of a teddybear, which I've never found endearing in people, I actually find it a bit creepy, but he was perfectly nice, except that he wanted to be everyone's friend, which is annoying. If I was looking for friends, Ambi, I probably wouldnt pick you.
The morning session on Saturday was quite nice really. We sang a few songs in a round, with two or three groups of us singing, and then we sang some other songs, and then we did a bit of improvised dance which was silly, but quite fun. The thing is though that none of the songs we sung had words, they were all very nice sounding African chanty affairs, which means I cant really remember them at all. I'll have a go later, because it is important for you to get the feel of the whole experience, which includes the African chanty affairs.
The afternoon session, on the other hand, was absolute steaming hell. We had to take blankets down with us, which is never a good thing. She made us lie down on the floor under our blankets, all nice and cosy warm, and then I think the idea was meditation but instead, because meditation makes me cry, I had a nice little nap. The problem with napping in public is the snore/dribble risk. I avoided the second, so that's the silver lining. After about an hour, she 'brought us back to the room' by singing a few of her own songs from her new album, which is great and blatant advertising, but I'm not joking, some of the sexiest songs I've ever heard. It almost gave me the horn a little bit. That was all fine, but then she gave us each a pen and some paper and asked us to write a poem, or just some words about how we felt, and then we had to talk about how we'd felt when we were 'under', first in small groups and then as a whole group. My small group discussion was great, it was me, Megan, Jo and Katie, so it was fine. I told them I'd slightly got the horn, they laughed (I'm totally used to it by this point so it's stopped bothering me and I actually quite like it now), and we read our words out. Megan had written that she might buy the CD because she thinks it would make good birthing music (Megan is a student midwife), Jo had written actually quite a good poem about relaxation and soothing-ness, and Katie had written a limerick affair about 'I dont know where my head just went, but I know it was time well spent' or something. I'd written this.
Lovely lovely little nap, in a room full of strangers.
Never done that before.
It's normally only acceptable in airports.
Good fucking God my back hurts though.
Is it time for a cup of tea yet?
They laughed. Which is fine, it wasnt supposed to be serious. I have real trouble taking these things seriously. None of us said anything in the big group discussion, but Jealous Jeanette said 'life is not a question' and Ridiculous Ravi (his words, not mine) said 'the gong speaks without words'. Then we sang a bit more. At one point we had to hold hands and do a big into the middle sort of hokey cokey thing, which I hated and Megan had to go to the toilet and wash her hands straight after. She doesnt like to be touched.
That was pretty much it, to be honest. That evening Megan and I went to the pub with Sophie, Jo and Katie, and had quite a good moment when we persuaded the in house band to sing Sweet Caroline and then the whole pub joined in and we were dancing around and it was great. We watched a bit of Lock Stock when we got back to our hotel room, and now I can say with absolute certainty that it is not a good film. I always knew it wouldnt be!
Or final singing session, on sunday morning, was excruciating. You have to warm up your voice before singing, which is all well and good, but I dont know why we cant just sing scales or something normal. We had to play something called the Gobbledegook Game, which Sarah said was 'such fun, you're all going to love it!' by which I imagine she meant 'this game is utter hell, but I'm going to make you do it anyway because I am in charge here and I am sadistic.' The Gobbledegook Game goes like this. You have a partner (Megan, obviously. Not a chance I'd be doing this with anyone else Sarah, I thought. Norfolk Inchance, if anything.) and you and your partner close your eyes and have a conversation in gobbledegook. Like, I say 'hsjdfsadsgfttyhhj' and Megan replies 'asddjknefcnewiodqhsad gdhjdwd dwu?' and I say some other nonsense, for about a hundred years. Awful. We had to do it like that, then we had to do it pretending we were 90 years old and from a different culture (we were old Chinese men) and then finally as though you were a child from the 'planet of happiness and laughter clouds'. That one was by far the worst, although Sophie loved it. I couldnt, in fact, bring myself to act like a child from the planet of happiness and laughter clouds. Maybe you could, but I couldnt. It's probably because I am closed up emotionally, or something. Not so funny now!
After the hell of the Gobbledegook Game, now that our voices were nice and warmed up, we did a bit of singing which was nice because the songs had words! Huzzah! I was on the 'I wanna die easy' team, because it seemed the most appropriate for my feelings at that point. Not that I was especially bothered about the easy bit. There was a chance to sing solos at the end, but obviously I didnt do one. Steve did, fucking Steve, and it was terrible so I laughed, but only inside my head. Jeanette sang 'Over the Rainbow' actually quite well, but in a slightly annoying way because she had her eyes closed the whole way through, and then when she finished she cried. Jane (I cant remember her adjective, but it was totally appropriate and not mad, despite starting with J) sang a godawful song from one of Elvis' films, and then another one that I hated just as much. The whole thing was nauseating. Sophie sang Summertime, which wasnt so bad.
Eventually, after a quick round of 'what have you got out of this weekend, and what are you going to take away with you' - 'I've really enjoyed it actually, although it was pretty different from what I was expecting. I've definitely gained confidence in my voice and I'd like to find somewhere that I can sing regularly, not just in my car, because it's really fun!' - nobody laughed, which I found ironic because I was clearly joking - it was time to go home.
I love home.
I Wanna Die Easy
I wanna die easy when I die
I wanna die easy when I die
I wanna die easy when I die, shout salvation as I fly
I wanna die easy wen I die.
Wade in the Water
Wade in the water
Wade in the water children
Wade in the water
God's gonna trouble the water
Motherless Child
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child
A long was from home
(Steve thought it was 'marvelous child'. God I hate Steve).
Those three had words. These ones didnt so much, so maybe I'll sing them to you one day.
Tu eh tu eh, barima tu eh eu eh
Tu eh tu eh, barima tu eh tu eh
Ambassado ama do do
Tu eh tu eh, barima tu eh tu eh, barima tu eh tu eh
You see what I was up against? There was also
Sin jin jin jin
Nyemi tan dan zo
Sin jin jin jin
Nyemi tan dan zo
Nyemi tan dan zooooo
Nyemi tan dan zo
Nyemi tan dan zooooo
Nyemi tan dan zo
That's the one we did the improvised dance to.
There were a few others, but I cant remember them. Keep checking back for updates!
Love yous.
A little later on...
I have googled. There actually arent that many!
